"I scratch my head... i think about life.." - Gangster Gumby

....wondered how the human mind functions? Me neither. That's all.














Just Kidding.





I'm currently sitting in my living room at HOME home in our recliner wondering why in the WORLD i think SO much. Sometimes, i doubt i'm a normal human being because my brain gets such a workout. Maybe it's the Christmas season, maybe it's me being a little girl about stuff, ...maybe it's sleep deprivation, but whatever it is.. it's making me surprisingly ....joyful? excited? More apt to patience because you can't rush art? I have had NUMEROUS occasions or opportunities to see compassion, joy, and the future. God's love is EVERYWHERE. Angel trees at walmart. Joyful people in the mall? while christmas shopping? hard to believe right? well, how about my own father loving on an autistic kid he'd never met at a restaurant. MY father. If i had a nickel for every time i had fought tears in the past week or two, i'd have... some.. nickels...... ahem, alright. God has been revealing myself to me lately. Goofy? quite possibly. Necessary? most definitely. How do you plan to reach a goal you haven't made? how can you build a house you don't have a floor plan for? God's said, "hey, ryan, here's where we're headed, continue to walk in obedience, and we'll get there with no problems. I'll lead the way. no worries." Even though He calls us to patience, I can't help but wonder who i'll spend my life with. What dating my wife will be like.. then our engagement? WHAT? how am i going to pay for the rock my lady deserves?! she's putting up with me... forever.. how am i supposed to keep her around with a ring purchased on a college kid's income. will i still be in college? see what the problem is? did you forget that you were reading a MALE'S BLOG? i did......not... ahem. Then the best day of her life.. our wedding. The day that she's been DREAMING of... since birth and stuff. Of course, i'll love it, too, but not to the same extent she will. She's a girl. duh. All i can think about is how gorgeous she will be... walking down the aisle to literally be with me. forever. ... not six months.. or.. two years... life... 60 year anniversary. Cutest couple in college. cutest marriage. cutest parents. cutest kids. cutest old couple. cutest couple ever. father time and ....some woman that was extremely old.. but they're still the same as they were as newlyweds. The grand kids have an example of truth, consistency, and love... because of grandma and grandpa... and their parents because they were raised right. i dunno.. i'm thinking way too much. Christmases, birthdays, seasons.. like fall, staring at the stars, picnics, walks through the park ...or wherever is the most fun but cute, buying her flowers on tuesday.. just because it's tuesday, waking up on Christmas morning to my kids jumping up and down on our bed telling us to WAKE UP TO SEE WHAT SANTA BROUGHT. I dunno.. basically what i'm saying is we all need to slow down. i'm not the only person with these thoughts, and if i am... um... judge me for it, BUT embracing the future and sprinting towards it are two different things. i see the future on the horizon, i'm okay with it. i have no reason to run away from it.. it's beautiful. on the other hand, i have no reason to run towards it. i'm headed that way anyways.. what's the rush? Why am i even talking anymore? MAAAAAAANNN.. I LOVE YOU. I will NEVER be deserving of you. You are way too far out of my league. You are too gorgeous. You are too witty. Too funny. Too perfect. God rains on the just and the unjust.. for sure, that's biblical, but me? deserving of you? nope. buttttt.... i won't complain too much. Can you believe that i'll be with the girl of my dreams? Can you believe that the girl i've wanted to be with since i met her will want to be with me? maybe i'm buble. Maybe i just haven't met you yet, BUT i STILL promise you, kid, that i'll give so much more than i get. I have no idea what i'm typing anymore, honestly.. I've had 8 hours of sleep in the past 66 hours. I'm hungry. Allow me to sum this up in a sentence or two. I am overly excited about the future, but I am more than willing to wait until the time is right. God's timing is perfect timing. God's plan is a perfect plan. God's girl is the perfect girl.. for me at least. I'll be the best man that i can be for her. i'll be the best dad for her children that i can. I'm so undeserving of what God's blessed me with so far in life and that isn't going to change for the future. That's all. Play me off, once again, Johnny.