"Don't let me go.." - The Fray

...wanted to have that one special person more than ever just so you know there's no judgment, nothing but love, care, and concern, and someone to just HOLD you? For me, that time is now. My pride has been detrimental my entire life. That would be what I consider my "stronghold" struggle that everyone has. Why? Genetics. our race. our generation. Conceit isn't beautiful. We live in a time that took the american dream and pumped it full of steroids without any ethical foundation whatsoever. All anyone wants is self-satisfaction. My psalm 130, my cry from the depths, has been to be stripped of my pride. completely. possible? Matthew 19:26 - "But Jesus looked at them and said, 'with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Since i've been at school, God's gotten me alone and into the perfect place to "ruin my life (and) the plans that i've made" like Jeff Johnson sings. He brought me through the low points I placed myself in with a newfound outlook. He has completely changed my ideologies on so many different things. More specifically, about a month or so ago, my heart towards my father began to change. Growing up as a young kid, my dad was ALWAYS in the Word and ALWAYS spitting off scriptures and ALWAYS talking Jesus. He was the fifth and sixth grade leader for the AWANA program at our church and the sunday school teacher for the same age group. At the time, I didn't like my dad because I hadn't truly met God. That changed July 1, 2008, but.. that's another cup of coffee. When i went into middle school, as i remember it.. it could have been earlier or i may have just missed it, my father began to drink again. Sometime during or after that, he dropped his involvement in the roles he played at the church. i thought i knew God, so i naturally took a portion of the morality that Christianity entails, such as abstinence, temperance, and..that's about it. I knew religion. I began to resent my father for his alcoholism. It made him into a jerk to my mom. It made  him into SUCH a different person and all shades of morality he had had slowly began diminishing. My heart hardened towards my dad, which hardened my heart to the Lord..... but where there's hardness of heart, there's a horizon full of healing through brokenness. I wanted my dad to change. God changed me. He showed me that the changing of my father's heart is in His hands, not mine. Pretty elementary, right? Of course, but pride is like a blindfold.. or a really REALLY good lampshade. "woe to those are who are wise in their own lies, and shrewd in their own sight." - Isaiah 5:21. He broke my pride towards my father. He rained humility on my pa-ride.. get it? parade... with an i in it.. so it's pa-ride.. like pride.. with an a after the p... get it? alright.. cool. I just BUSTED OUT LAUGHING at my own joke. That was the funniest thing i think i have ever said. ahem...... sorry. PUNSTER. Anywho, God's completely changed my heart towards pops. He's not perfect and neither am i. Who am i to hold a grudge against him. Moreover, how can i be humble before my Father if i can't walk in humility with my pops. So God's broken my heart for my father. He's shown me that he is our provider. That he communicates his love through his hard work. I love my dad. I said all that to lead up to tonight and why this blog is titled how it's titled. My oldest brother, Johnathan Frederick Sears, will be 26 on January 23 and it'll show that he has been in the army for 8 years. He drinks ALL the time. He has a ton of DISGUSTING stories that are HORRIBLY disrespectful to the girls he talks about. He is the most prideful person to walk this earth. I treated him much in the same manner that i treated my dad. Tonight, he was used as a mouthpiece for the Lord to speak to me. My pride towards my brother was stripped as well, and i had no idea it was even there. He told me he thought i hated him. He thought that because he lives how he does, i hated him. i WEPT. He does everything he does with me on his mind everyday. He was there when i was born. He's watched me grow up since before he could even hold me. He's been hard headed.. but he's loved me the same through it all. He leaves on January 27th to go on his third trip to Afghanistan. He's seen things that NOBODY should ever have to see. He's scared out of his mind to go to war, and here i've been all these years allowing him to think i hate him. my brother could die anyday, all of us could.. and will, but not all of us have bullets flying by our heads everyday. He said, "what i do, isn't glorious... what you do... is glorious." God provided encouragement after He broke my heart completely. I was dying in the middle of a joy..... well.. in the midst of an extremely joyful celebratory holiday. All i wanted was my other half to hold me. I just wanted to have a moment of weakness and be held by the girl that will love me until the sun burns out. and then some. i just wanted her to tell me that she loves me.. and everything is fine. Patience. God challenged me tonight. All is well with the world. God is good and still on the throne; I have a reason to worship. Today was such a blessing. The Christmas season is slowly becoming my favorite. I dunno... now i'm rambling. Last thing, I can't wait to have the most beautiful girl see me in my times of weakness and direct me to the only One able to fix it. I can't even imagine her. Tangible perfection. I've been at my aunt and uncle's all day long playing on their iPad, and i was on an app called ArtPuzzles? The point of the app is to put puzzles together. I bet you didn't see that coming. It just really gave me a perspective of what dating/marriage will be like. The puzzle pieces either give or take, and they all fit into the big picture. "Love is all; it gives all, and it takes all." - Soren Kierkegaard. I can't wait for her to get here. I meeeeeean.. i can but.. you know what i mean. this is the LONGEST post. ever. i'm sorry for that. i hope you didn't lose interest.. or focus.. or whatever. I LOVE YOU GUYS! Merry Christmas! Jesus.. God... came to live.. as His own creation.. to die for them. How good is He? UGH. well... i guess... that's all.