"Take Hold, Take Heart, Take Hope"

...read something you wrote in the past and.. received encouragement? me too. I jumped on here to post something kind of upsetting, just not an exciting post. Instead, I read my last post. God's just too good. This life is tough, but shouldn't it be that way? Would we really value what we value if there was nothing to give it the value it has? THAT made sense.. psych. Today in the caf, I saw the advertisement for whatever their little "Spice" thing is? Who knows.. what I DO know is that I had a small realization. Small. This shouldn't be news to you, but something to... think about. What do you think about when you think of the word spice? or spicy? I think of something flavorful. or spirited. or hot. I think of fire.. or jalapenos. Something not cold. well.. sp-ice. you CAN'T spell spice without ice. You don't know fire if you don't know ice. You can't value heat if you don't know cold. What is light without darkness? This is directly reflected to EVERYTHING. Think of Christ. How can we celebrate and find joy in His life, freedom, love, kindness, and favor if we don't know death, bondage, hate, bitterness, and lack. We can't know "mountain tops" without "valleys". In marriage. Passion, liveliness, and fun would have no value without the rough times. right? oh, wait.. none of us are married. cool. But, honestly, i think we can have a little foreknowledge here and see this is the truth. A perfect marriage isn't a marriage that has no problems. A "perfect" marriage is one that gets through problems without losing step. Without slowing down. Jamie Lash said fail forward, right? (don't hate) Well, learn from your mistakes. ps... i SUCK. just a thought. Without struggles and hardships, my wife and I won't be taken to a new level and depth in our relationship. God has to prune us and refine us through fire, so why wouldn't the same happen in marriage? We ARE married to Christ, after all.. duh. satan's a punk. he's a liar. he's a pretender. he's a hater. he's a loser. he's scared of his future so he does everything he can to ruin God's plan. but he can't. it's great, right? just think... the Bible is CONSTANTLY talking about how Christ is Truth and the Spirit leads to all truth and God is loving.. on the flip side.. satan can't possess any trait that a holy God does. He's the father of ALL lies.. there is NO truth in him. he CAN'T love. ever. SO.. he HATES us. hates. despises. abhors. We are the Father's workmanship and creation. He is PLEASED by us. so why would satan just let us be? let it beeee, let it BE! ahem.. sorry.. satan wants us to suffer the same eternal punishment he will. Why would we ever want to participate in that? honestly. does that sound pleasant? um.. no. So lets smile through the ice and be patient for God's passion to be brought back to us but at a whole new level. James said, "count it all joy when you face trials of various kinds," because God is constantly at work in us to shape us exactly how He wants us. Something else to think about. Think of how powerful God's Name is. The OT Jews never even said His name really.. why? well.. research it because there's a lot there BUT we aren't worthy. Imagine this.. when you say JESUS, satan and all his little punk friends MUST FLEE and the gates of hell TREMBLE. Moreover, God said that He places His Word above His own Name. WHAT?! soo.. we're looking at that power being MAGNIFIED in His Book. Why don't we pick it up more? read it more? apply it more? then maybe we would magnify His Name more. Jesus said, "My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to accomplish His work". Well.. let's eat, huh? this has gone on for too long but God is super mysterious and super great. Psalm 34. toods.

"We're perfect because we're best friends."

...had a REALLY good day. Before you say yes, it was valentines day. BEFORE you say yes, you MUST be single and.. sitting around doing absolutely nothing. Well, what'll it be? mine is YES. i can't imagine a day being any better than today. ever. well.. there are a few things but... yeah, whatever. I watched such happy people, sad and bitter people, and then STRAIGHT. UP. AWKWARD folks do their things today. it was great. FUNFACT: i've started to play the piano. by that i mean i've played a week. by that i mean i may never know how to play but i watched a video and i can kinda play some of boyce avenue's cover of teenage dream. and sing it. that's another thing i haven't talked about. sooo.. God said.. hey, man, do me a favor. sing. so.. what do i do? i sing. well. why? not because i can sing, but LITERALLY because He spoke it through someone for me to sing within the first three weeks of being at college. my voice has progressively gotten better and i'm so thankful because music is SUCH a passion of mine and being able to.. i dunno.. be apart of that? is just really cool. ps.. life looks good. um.. flowers are awesome and so are notes and letters and stuff. i think today is my favorite college holiday. i can't wait to watch folks again next year, and if i'm participating in the festivities then, something tells me, i'll be doing much of the same.. but with a little charm added in. who knows. He does. He's good, eh? want to have your mind blown? meet Jesus Christ. then serve Him. daily. His plans really are better than anything imaginable. He's ON. POINT. for reals. this was never intended to be a long post. this isn't my favorite favorite.. but it might be one of my favorites. I had the best weekend of my life followed by one of the best days. and tomorrow has all the potential in the world to keep the streak alive... if i can overlook the outcome of my history test. well.. i'll survive. i just want to vent on here.. about SO MUCH. in due time, i guess. If you're still reading or if i'm even preaching to myself, take this small bit of advice. Be. Patient. God operates on a sundial while we operate on a stopwatch. He isn't slow, He's smart. He won't give us something until He knows we can handle it. ps... He knows when we'll be able to handle it before we get there.. He's something else, eh? He's actually SO broad that He created over 10,000 different types of grass, but so narrow that He created Winter Rye that grows GREEN during the winter season. DBU has green grass, supposedly, all year round because of it. either way, that's crunk. Isaiah 55:11. His word doesn't go out and come back empty. It ACCOMPLISHES it's purpose in the perfect timing. He's constantly shaping us like.. i think it's ephesians 2:10 or five 10 says? something like that.. we're Homeboy's workmanship? or craftmanship? either way, He's always disciplining us for our GOOD, that we may share HIS HOLINESS like hebrews 12 says. ps i did a word study on sanctification. TOO CRUNK. He's too big. Yahweh, His real name.. or whatev, means the God that is. He's worthy of praise because He is. boom. "All of my life, in every season, you are still God; I have a reason to sing; I have a reason to worship." Can we please be patient and wait on His timing, guys? He just wants us to focus on today. not tomorrow. not next week, month, or year.. but today. right now.. right now is all you have.. what are you doing with it for Him? LET"S GOOOOOOOOO. as ready as i am for all the plans He's revealed to me to come to fruition, i know that they will be that much sweeter because of the wait. AND He's not done with me, and PRAISE THE LORD for that. i'm NOTHING.. i'll always be nothing.. but i'll be happy to see what happens when He's ready for me to just.. explode or something.. okay.. this is getting weird and has been WAAAAAY too sloppy aka personal and not professional. oh, well. i love you all more than you could know, even if it's just one or two. He loves you greater still. if that didn't make sense then.. He loves you. yup. Have you ever had a fan base grow? that sounded "conceded" (you know who you are and you better have laughed at this). conceited*. well.. it's beautiful to watch, and that's beautiful to me. oh, the favorite favorite. well.. i guess i'll look over these note cards once more.. goodnight, world. God is love, and love is real. Tell someone about Jesus today. He's too cool not to share. that's all.

Long time no post

...gone three weeks without updating your blog? I have, OBVIOUSLY. This isn't going to be a very informational post and it's hardly an update on what's going on with me because there is FAR too much to explain and now is not the time to do so. For all the people that follow this out there, if there are any, take this small bit of advice to heart, much like Proverbs 3:3 says, except I'm not as eternal as God's law.. technically.. whatever, figure it out. DON'T STRESS, DON'T WORRY, and DON'T take your eyes off of Jesus. Why? because He's worthy of it. Beyond that, when you're focusing on Him and not the waves (thanks, Peter, for sucking MISERABLY so I can use you in an illustration) you won't even notice that there's a storm or seas raging at all. Paul said that he learned to rejoice in situations of have and in those of lack. how? He, along with all of those who find their joy in the only true source, can do all things through Christ. Jeremiah 17:7-8 and Colossians 3:1-4 are perfect examples as to how this is possible. oh, and, p.s., if we don't trust in Him, if we doubt or worry, we're making Him a liar. He's promised us EVERYTHING we need. It's Him. Also, Matthew 6:33-34 steps that up. GUYS, we as the church are the BRIDE of Christ. How's your marriage? Do you wake up every morning with the love of your life, or do you wake up with someone new because you're living a life like that of Hosea's wife? How can we not understand the peace and joy that's found in Christ? People might read this and think I'm playing the "holier than thou" card or that I'm talking down to people, but ALL I WANT is for the church to be the CHURCH. I'm losing my mind. Well.. i love you all, but it's nothing in comparison to the love that's found in the shadow of His wings. His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. He makes straight the path laid before your feet. I'm running out of words to express what I'm thinking and I'm not proofing this, so.. I hope it didn't go too hard. Oh, well. One final thought, sometimes, bombs fall quietly. That's all.

"New Year, New Beginnings."

...made a New Years' Resolution? I have. Have you ever actually followed through with one? I wish there was a percentage somewhere that showed how many resolutions were actually acted upon. OH, how i wish. why? because it's funny to me. the most popular resolution EVERY SINGLE YEAR is probably to get in shape, eat better, or work out more. stay fit, in other words. my question is, if that's your goal, why wait to fail? if people would decide to start their resolutions three days prior to the new year, maybe they'd actually follow through with it. i'm not sure what resolution is funnier, the one i just stated or Carter Willis saying that his new years' resolution is to get Sara Bareilles to write him a love song. i'm not sure what the deal is. I'm such a negative person when i see people talking about how positive their new year is going to be. Maybe it's the skeptic in me trying to breach the surface. i call it realism. what breaks my heart the most is when people who dig themselves into the deepest ditches during 2010 just assume that because the number at the end of the date they'll write on papers changed, so will their habits, lifestyles, or desires. The literal definition of insanity is doing the same thing OVER AND OVER AGAIN and expecting a different outcome. My definition of ignorance is consistently doing something stupid with a decent outcome and expecting it to stay that way. let's take something horrible for example. drinking while driving. that doesn't always turn out for the worst, right? oh, and it could NEVER happen to me. i could never wreck my car and leave this earth. never. A kid my brother went to high school with just passed away for this exact reasoning. Sad, right? let's try something new: "and endless procession of righteous living, living. instead, let there be a flood of justice." - Jon Foreman. I'm an addict, judge me. Sorry for the dissidence. I'm not always this negative but resolutions and some notion of new beginning due to a date change just... sadden me. To God be the glory in all things, can we reflect it? please? i'm done. i dunno. i'm not happy with this post.. but it's still going to be posted. yikes. that's all.

"Don't let me go.." - The Fray

...wanted to have that one special person more than ever just so you know there's no judgment, nothing but love, care, and concern, and someone to just HOLD you? For me, that time is now. My pride has been detrimental my entire life. That would be what I consider my "stronghold" struggle that everyone has. Why? Genetics. our race. our generation. Conceit isn't beautiful. We live in a time that took the american dream and pumped it full of steroids without any ethical foundation whatsoever. All anyone wants is self-satisfaction. My psalm 130, my cry from the depths, has been to be stripped of my pride. completely. possible? Matthew 19:26 - "But Jesus looked at them and said, 'with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Since i've been at school, God's gotten me alone and into the perfect place to "ruin my life (and) the plans that i've made" like Jeff Johnson sings. He brought me through the low points I placed myself in with a newfound outlook. He has completely changed my ideologies on so many different things. More specifically, about a month or so ago, my heart towards my father began to change. Growing up as a young kid, my dad was ALWAYS in the Word and ALWAYS spitting off scriptures and ALWAYS talking Jesus. He was the fifth and sixth grade leader for the AWANA program at our church and the sunday school teacher for the same age group. At the time, I didn't like my dad because I hadn't truly met God. That changed July 1, 2008, but.. that's another cup of coffee. When i went into middle school, as i remember it.. it could have been earlier or i may have just missed it, my father began to drink again. Sometime during or after that, he dropped his involvement in the roles he played at the church. i thought i knew God, so i naturally took a portion of the morality that Christianity entails, such as abstinence, temperance, and..that's about it. I knew religion. I began to resent my father for his alcoholism. It made him into a jerk to my mom. It made  him into SUCH a different person and all shades of morality he had had slowly began diminishing. My heart hardened towards my dad, which hardened my heart to the Lord..... but where there's hardness of heart, there's a horizon full of healing through brokenness. I wanted my dad to change. God changed me. He showed me that the changing of my father's heart is in His hands, not mine. Pretty elementary, right? Of course, but pride is like a blindfold.. or a really REALLY good lampshade. "woe to those are who are wise in their own lies, and shrewd in their own sight." - Isaiah 5:21. He broke my pride towards my father. He rained humility on my pa-ride.. get it? parade... with an i in it.. so it's pa-ride.. like pride.. with an a after the p... get it? alright.. cool. I just BUSTED OUT LAUGHING at my own joke. That was the funniest thing i think i have ever said. ahem...... sorry. PUNSTER. Anywho, God's completely changed my heart towards pops. He's not perfect and neither am i. Who am i to hold a grudge against him. Moreover, how can i be humble before my Father if i can't walk in humility with my pops. So God's broken my heart for my father. He's shown me that he is our provider. That he communicates his love through his hard work. I love my dad. I said all that to lead up to tonight and why this blog is titled how it's titled. My oldest brother, Johnathan Frederick Sears, will be 26 on January 23 and it'll show that he has been in the army for 8 years. He drinks ALL the time. He has a ton of DISGUSTING stories that are HORRIBLY disrespectful to the girls he talks about. He is the most prideful person to walk this earth. I treated him much in the same manner that i treated my dad. Tonight, he was used as a mouthpiece for the Lord to speak to me. My pride towards my brother was stripped as well, and i had no idea it was even there. He told me he thought i hated him. He thought that because he lives how he does, i hated him. i WEPT. He does everything he does with me on his mind everyday. He was there when i was born. He's watched me grow up since before he could even hold me. He's been hard headed.. but he's loved me the same through it all. He leaves on January 27th to go on his third trip to Afghanistan. He's seen things that NOBODY should ever have to see. He's scared out of his mind to go to war, and here i've been all these years allowing him to think i hate him. my brother could die anyday, all of us could.. and will, but not all of us have bullets flying by our heads everyday. He said, "what i do, isn't glorious... what you do... is glorious." God provided encouragement after He broke my heart completely. I was dying in the middle of a joy..... well.. in the midst of an extremely joyful celebratory holiday. All i wanted was my other half to hold me. I just wanted to have a moment of weakness and be held by the girl that will love me until the sun burns out. and then some. i just wanted her to tell me that she loves me.. and everything is fine. Patience. God challenged me tonight. All is well with the world. God is good and still on the throne; I have a reason to worship. Today was such a blessing. The Christmas season is slowly becoming my favorite. I dunno... now i'm rambling. Last thing, I can't wait to have the most beautiful girl see me in my times of weakness and direct me to the only One able to fix it. I can't even imagine her. Tangible perfection. I've been at my aunt and uncle's all day long playing on their iPad, and i was on an app called ArtPuzzles? The point of the app is to put puzzles together. I bet you didn't see that coming. It just really gave me a perspective of what dating/marriage will be like. The puzzle pieces either give or take, and they all fit into the big picture. "Love is all; it gives all, and it takes all." - Soren Kierkegaard. I can't wait for her to get here. I meeeeeean.. i can but.. you know what i mean. this is the LONGEST post. ever. i'm sorry for that. i hope you didn't lose interest.. or focus.. or whatever. I LOVE YOU GUYS! Merry Christmas! Jesus.. God... came to live.. as His own creation.. to die for them. How good is He? UGH. well... i guess... that's all. 

"I scratch my head... i think about life.." - Gangster Gumby

....wondered how the human mind functions? Me neither. That's all.














Just Kidding.





I'm currently sitting in my living room at HOME home in our recliner wondering why in the WORLD i think SO much. Sometimes, i doubt i'm a normal human being because my brain gets such a workout. Maybe it's the Christmas season, maybe it's me being a little girl about stuff, ...maybe it's sleep deprivation, but whatever it is.. it's making me surprisingly ....joyful? excited? More apt to patience because you can't rush art? I have had NUMEROUS occasions or opportunities to see compassion, joy, and the future. God's love is EVERYWHERE. Angel trees at walmart. Joyful people in the mall? while christmas shopping? hard to believe right? well, how about my own father loving on an autistic kid he'd never met at a restaurant. MY father. If i had a nickel for every time i had fought tears in the past week or two, i'd have... some.. nickels...... ahem, alright. God has been revealing myself to me lately. Goofy? quite possibly. Necessary? most definitely. How do you plan to reach a goal you haven't made? how can you build a house you don't have a floor plan for? God's said, "hey, ryan, here's where we're headed, continue to walk in obedience, and we'll get there with no problems. I'll lead the way. no worries." Even though He calls us to patience, I can't help but wonder who i'll spend my life with. What dating my wife will be like.. then our engagement? WHAT? how am i going to pay for the rock my lady deserves?! she's putting up with me... forever.. how am i supposed to keep her around with a ring purchased on a college kid's income. will i still be in college? see what the problem is? did you forget that you were reading a MALE'S BLOG? i did......not... ahem. Then the best day of her life.. our wedding. The day that she's been DREAMING of... since birth and stuff. Of course, i'll love it, too, but not to the same extent she will. She's a girl. duh. All i can think about is how gorgeous she will be... walking down the aisle to literally be with me. forever. ... not six months.. or.. two years... life... 60 year anniversary. Cutest couple in college. cutest marriage. cutest parents. cutest kids. cutest old couple. cutest couple ever. father time and ....some woman that was extremely old.. but they're still the same as they were as newlyweds. The grand kids have an example of truth, consistency, and love... because of grandma and grandpa... and their parents because they were raised right. i dunno.. i'm thinking way too much. Christmases, birthdays, seasons.. like fall, staring at the stars, picnics, walks through the park ...or wherever is the most fun but cute, buying her flowers on tuesday.. just because it's tuesday, waking up on Christmas morning to my kids jumping up and down on our bed telling us to WAKE UP TO SEE WHAT SANTA BROUGHT. I dunno.. basically what i'm saying is we all need to slow down. i'm not the only person with these thoughts, and if i am... um... judge me for it, BUT embracing the future and sprinting towards it are two different things. i see the future on the horizon, i'm okay with it. i have no reason to run away from it.. it's beautiful. on the other hand, i have no reason to run towards it. i'm headed that way anyways.. what's the rush? Why am i even talking anymore? MAAAAAAANNN.. I LOVE YOU. I will NEVER be deserving of you. You are way too far out of my league. You are too gorgeous. You are too witty. Too funny. Too perfect. God rains on the just and the unjust.. for sure, that's biblical, but me? deserving of you? nope. buttttt.... i won't complain too much. Can you believe that i'll be with the girl of my dreams? Can you believe that the girl i've wanted to be with since i met her will want to be with me? maybe i'm buble. Maybe i just haven't met you yet, BUT i STILL promise you, kid, that i'll give so much more than i get. I have no idea what i'm typing anymore, honestly.. I've had 8 hours of sleep in the past 66 hours. I'm hungry. Allow me to sum this up in a sentence or two. I am overly excited about the future, but I am more than willing to wait until the time is right. God's timing is perfect timing. God's plan is a perfect plan. God's girl is the perfect girl.. for me at least. I'll be the best man that i can be for her. i'll be the best dad for her children that i can. I'm so undeserving of what God's blessed me with so far in life and that isn't going to change for the future. That's all. Play me off, once again, Johnny.

"skool iz 4 phoolzz, luk et mi"

...sucked at college for an entire semester? i have. This was my first semester. I meeeeeeeean.. I came in with 19 college credit hours, but i took those through my high school. What that does give me is a sticker saying i have sophomore status hours... no more fish lot for me. hmm.. that's a nice feeling. anywho, i dug myself into a hole my first six weeks of school that i couldn't dig myself out of, so i changed my semester's motto to "survive". If you can't climb out of a hole, you might as well make it look as "homey" as possible. Needless to say, I was hoping to have a gpa of a 2.6 or better. God had other plans in mind... or else my grades would have SUCKED.

Grade Point Average by Term

Term 1 Fall, 2010

Term Totals Total Earned Credits Total Grade Points Term GPA 33.00 < sophomore. 44.00 3.143

Course/Section and Title Course/Section and Title Grade Credits 1 ENGL*1301 DC-Intro to Language & Lit I CR 3.00 2 ENGL*1302 DC-Intro to Language & Lit II CR 3.00 3 MATH*1303 DC-College Algebra CR 3.00 4 MATH*1304 DC-Trigonometry CR 3.00 5 MATH*1405 DC-Calc & Analytic Geometry I CR 4.00 6 ENGL*REQU DC-TR 2000 Level English Requ CR 3.00 7 CHAP*1000 01 Chapel NC 0.00 8 FINE*1306 03 Intro to Fine Arts B+ 3.00 9 FOUN*1101 15 Foundations for Excellence A 1.00 10 HIST*1301 07 American History to 1865 B 3.00 11 KNES*1103 02 Basketball A 1.00 12 RELI*1301 03 Old Testament Survey B- 3.00 13 PHIL*2301 01 Introduction to Philosophy B 3.00